Today I read an article from the Center for Biblical Equality about how patriarchy has taught women to police themselves and their rhetoric. Lord. Do you ever read something that just grips you… you identify with it so much that you wonder if someone is watching you. Your heart speeds up as you feel it in your gut – it’s pulling at you. This was not the most researched or strongly written article I’ve ever read, yet it made me cry at my desk in my office in the middle of the morning. I felt a little ridiculous, but I knew that what I was reading was something that was both completely true for me and completely wrong.
“Assertive, headstrong, and strong-willed are the “dirty” words used to undermine female strength and independence. … Strong women often regard their very natures as sinful and gospel-contrary because of patriarchal conditioning. … Patriarchal conditioning makes women enemies of themselves. Studies show that women qualify and apologize for their opinions where men assert and argue. … The self-questioning speaking patterns of women are not an accident and neither are they the product of a more passive, agreeable female nature. They exist because patriarchy cultivates uncertainty, other-appeasement, and self-doubt in women. … Nobody wants to be the headstrong woman these days. …
Even when I’m confident, I verbally undermine my ideas, opinions, and testimony. In the name of not appearing too aggressive, I tread softly and sit small. I surrender, capitulate, and backtrack. But often, no one tells me to defer to men. I undermine myself… I often pair my words with concessions and qualifications to counter any perceived aggression. I soothe egos and preemptively critique myself so I don’t appear bossy or controlling.”
I’m wondering if an unconscious version of myself wrote that second paragraph and then had it published under a pseudonym. Seriously. I do this to myself and I hate it. I hate that I’m more concerned with approval than I am with saying/doing what I feel is right. I hate that I’m more concerned with being likeable than I am with being known for who I am. I hate that I hide parts of myself to be more acceptable to those around me.
Depending on your exposure to media and the type of media you consume, you may or may not have heard about Beyonce’s new album, Lemonade. You don’t have to like Beyonce and I don’t need to know the reasons you don’t. There may be plenty of valid reasons to disapprove of her. But this is a woman who has stopped policing herself. And for that single reason, I admire her. Not only is she a woman but she is a minority. She is not the voice that society wants to hear. The voices of those like her have been minimized and ignored. And yet she speaks. She tells her story and then she lets the world do with it as they choose. They speculate about her marriage and her religion. They analyze and criticize her narrative. But she just lets it be. She is who she is. She said what she said. And that’s enough.
I don’t blame anyone for the way that I edit myself. I think my personality made me extra susceptible to the conditioning referred to in the article. But I have to be responsible for myself. I decide to be who I want to be. I’m a grown ass woman. So it’s time to be accountable to myself. Why can’t I get over this? It’s hard work, people. Being courageous enough to trust yourself, to not care when your critics disapprove of you, to not be the most likeable person in the room… That’s a courage I have not yet fully grasped. But I want to fight for it.